ellenspictures

Category: life stories

  • It hasn’t been a cheery week. To look at it another way, loss is a thing, change is a thing, and this is all a part of living.

    It hasn’t been a cheery week. To look at it another way, loss is a thing, change is a thing, and this is all a part of living.

    The transformations marked by events push our thoughts and contemplation into the mode that we, as humans, find difficult to face – our own mortality – loss and grief – and all that comes with. Some if this is anticipating future loss – what that would be like for us – and until we face these, we really don’t know.

    The uncertainty that these changes in our relationships introduce is what we have a difficult time facing. We must deal with the stress, distress, growth cycle as we go through the mental processing to get through the emotions without becoming chronically depressed and bogged down.

    Someone dear passes away suddenly. Someone else dear has a major illness which causes a major change in their lives. The collisions of trying to plan life milestone happy occasions around the changes in an important family relationship impacting everything else. Losing a beloved pet.

    Facing holidays when the normal is not there any more.

    Trying to resolve and adjust to long term events that have caused everything to undergo change. Let’s face it, if we lived under the assumption that the joyous time of winter holidays (or summer if you live down under), would always be the fun observation of traditions long held – we literally are living in some sort of fantasy land.

    What we have done is try to create new experiences. Invite people to come together to celebrate in groups where people either do not know one another or are not all related. Try to bring joy to others who would potentially be going through the holiday alone. It is not that we couldn’t celebrate our holiday all by ourselves, it is that holidays are meant to be shared.

    Family

    As for family changes, those are always ongoing. That is life. Your perception is not their perception. Their priorities are often very different and may not include you in them. As I have learned, being an “only”, without siblings, the distant nature of my relationship to others in my family constellation is often influenced by things that I do not understand. These may be unintended and likely are.

    I reflect on happy times when we were included in family gatherings. Thinking back, I wonder if that was more because my mom or grandmother had the catalytic relationship with everyone else? Once they have departed, those relationship links eroded and have taken effort to maintain. I have tried to form these or re-form them. It just seems that there is no desire and it takes two to make a relationship. These are not just a given.

    It’s not just the holidays

    Communication is difficult. De-prioritized, I think. “I’m zoomed out” “I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you earlier” (earlier was possibly months ago). Short replies designed to cool the conversation. No reply at all. Try calling. No answer. Leave a message. No reply. Some have more manners than others. Some at least say, “I’m busy, I’ll get back to you” Some never do after that. What is the message? You do not rank up on the list of people that they wish to interact with on a regular basis.

    And it seems that there is a circle and my immediate family of three adults and a grandchild are not in it. As I get older, I think, “why do I continue to try?” Nobody cares, and I guess I should abandon caring. It will never be known to me whether I caused something to break, or if it, like lots of things, just deteriorates on its own and fades away.

    The artist and musician, Neil Young, has written so much about this. I think he has studied this since he was quite early in his career. What aging does to individuals and families is all a part of life, but because there are parts of this that are very unpleasant, we move through those until we get through them, at times on tiptoes, sometimes tripping and falling, sometimes through thick snow in heavy boots until the cold darkness passes. Whichever situation comes along, much of this is mental and emotional and there is no instruction manual for how to do this. I have also learned that the dynamic of age, and individual event dynamics, the people involved and such, for those it changes how we deal with getting through losses and recovering back to some sort of equilibrium.

    Families in the ideal, should support one another through these times. A lot of the time you hear the bad stories where this doesn’t happen. In my family, I suspect we are average. Maybe about a 4.5 on the scale of 1-10.

    Back to communication issues – it’s true that this is the number one problem with humans. They do not do communication well.

    The question is whether I should continue to try to reach out, or should I just stop trying and see what happens.

    Thanksgiving was one of the “try and see” times, and a few people did reach out – I actually did not intentionally not reach out, it was that I was flat-out working to prepare for guests so that we could give them a wonderful experience – as much as we could.

    So, it leaves me with a conundrum. Major decisions to make. Some of this does affect my day to day and it is very important that I do keep connections and do keep trying to communicate with certain of these people who are my family. Others, not so much, I guess. I love them. They are my family. I must face the reality that the feelings are not mutual. That’s it.

  • As the planet wobbles on its axis, that might explain all the crazy. Maybe not. But something is causing it.

    As the planet wobbles on its axis, that might explain all the crazy. Maybe not. But something is causing it.

    Don’t bother sending in the clowns, they are already here. As if things couldn’t get crazier, they do… every damned day. We thought that the 2016 debacle would play itself out. Well, it hasn’t just yet. It’s as if someone went to let out all the crazies and they are running around doing deadly and crazy things. Depending on which level you view things, this could look like world chaos, or your day to day micro-view is “everything is fine”… until it’s not.

    What is the most scary is that it appears that to some, all the unleashing and such is providing “freedom” – but, this isn’t “freedom”, really, as some of this is putting bizarre and rough regulations on some people of the female persuasion, imposed by some people who appear to be religious zealots who have decided that their notion of the rules are the rules, not taking into consideration “religious freedom” – as long as everyone believes in their way, they are entitled to be free* (note the asterisk).

    Oh, and that isn’t the only thing. There are the issues with unrestrained access to fire arms. Shooting people – kids in schools – people attending events – and instead of tightening the regulations, they who are in charge loosen them! How does that help? This defies all logic, so don’t even try to work it out – you’ll just end up with a headache. The only thing we can do is VOTE these suckers out of office.

    Will people get up off their asses and go vote? Those that care about change? Or will these people make up some excuses about why they don’t have time?

    The world is crazy. Some say it’s too late to do anything. But call me silly, I still believe that there is hope out there somewhere for the good of humankind and the planet. We just have to focus on helping and cooperating instead of all the violent contention. God save the planet. God save everything.

    Abell 2218, a rich galaxy cluster composed of thousands of individual galaxies
  • This time of year. Some call it SAD. Different perspectives on that.

    This time of year. Some call it SAD. Different perspectives on that.

    Cloudier days, sometimes cold, earlier sundown – heck, we just start feeling like we should be hibernating! Like bears in a cave, we tend to be less active – or at least it takes more effort to be active – and all that comes is contributing to our feelings of a down mood.

    After the holidays, especially, we either think it’s time to quit eating and drinking – but then, there’s birthdays in January, then there’s anniversaries and Valentines Day, and more birthdays in February… and before we know it, it’s Mardi Gras, and then it’s Easter, and so on and so forth – by that time, we’re coming out of the doldrums.

    When I was a kid, I could never put my finger on it – I just knew that I felt like sleeping a lot more. Low energy. Not quite ready to jump up and do anything. Listless and lackluster was what we called it. I think that this is an excellent description, honestly.

    Sometimes I jump on Twitter and find a thread where people are posting crazy and funny responses to something. That’s always a bonus vs. the intense arguments and harsh stuff that some people tweet. It’s a crazy time right now and everyone is pretty fed-up with things, pick your thing…

    But, this “seasonal affect disorder” or whatever they call it – it’s real and intense for some folks – I was reminded recently where some folks buy a special kind of light that helps fool your body into thinking it’s out in the sunshine. I just go outside when the sun is out. That helps.

    Seventeen years ago, I was on a journey of healing from intense grief over losing my younger son. I think that I am reminded of that during this time of year. Of course, I think about it all the time, intermittently – and I think about him – and I miss him, a lot. I guess, I miss what he would have been doing – and imagine what having him grow up would have been like – how he and his brother would have gotten along – maybe improved, even though they were on good terms when he passed away… It’s not that.

    But, I am fortunate to still have contact with his best friend, and this makes me feel like he is around (because he is). I choose to try to not be SAD. I can’t wait for the sun to stay up longer. That’s a turning point, for me. Every year, I think of this and the history of this time of year in my life.

    I have much to be thankful for, when I think about it – it’s a lot of big blessings that I have in my life. Of course, I miss my son, my parents, and grandparents. I can’t bring them back, but I can treasure my memories of them and remember the best times over the worst times.

    I will hold the penguins off as long as I can.