the fact of the matter is – the commercialization seems to be a real “American thing” – so, closer proximity – yep, Canadians do it “big” too – and as I was there through the season – the creeping in of the holidays began before Thanksgiving, shortly after Halloween… bit by bit.
Don’t get me wrong – there is still some of that here. But more, there is some dignity and subtleness that somehow Americans have left behind – exception being television commercials… those are still very shouty and loud – you know that style of urgent and the “buy it now or else” kind of advertising… hurry hurry hurry… spend it now and buy this junk here, right here, right now! Mind if I don’t?
But my wearing a shirt with a jolly Christmas message on it was quite a novelty. As I have been told, you can’t find that sort of thing here… probably true. So, the test – Christmas is a day that we celebrate the birth of Christ – ok – let’s see how this plays out… I think that it will likely be peaceful and that we will not see the insanity of midnight Christmas Eve desperation thrown at the parking lots around here…
This was the second Christmas… Good to try to improve the first one…
It seems like such a long time ago – and I was… This was representative of hope – I actually have an old VHS of this day – and it snowed, too… which was interesting, because it doesn’t snow that much where we live, in Texas…
Rob was just over a year old. I have some other pictures of him – walking and running around like a Wildman that he was – of course a total contrast from 1987, when just a month old he was recovering from surgery and just out of the neo-natal ICU… We weren’t sure of much at the time… not at all. Scary. But 1988 was a turnaround improvement. We thought he actually might stay awhile… And he did. Almost 18 years total – but we never knew. Every cold, every sniffle brought some potential for a tumble down.
We learned to go to battle each time, getting better as we learned, only to know how much we had yet to learn, each time. The vastness of the giant battle against an enemy that can take many forms. Christmas was always the hopeful time, no matter what. We made it that way.
Rob, as he grew up, always was feisty and sometimes people did not suspect anything – in fact, as he got older, he preferred that people not know… for him, it was better that way, day to day.
At 1988, Rob moved into “live it to the fullest” mode and never looked back…ever. This is why Christmas time did represent so much hope to us…
Looking out… Observing and exploring…
Now, I have to re-learn how to regard Christmas. The first year was unbelievably tough. With every year, it has morphed and the character of my grieving has changed. It still is preferred to just be low key, but I feel that I am more of an observer, just going through motions. No, it doesn’t help having friends there while I attempt to decorate the tree – nah. Not when it took me three martini’s per session the last time I did this, and it took me several “sessions” to “git ‘er done”… And then, there is the “dismantling”… oh my God in Heaven, please deliver me from having to go through THAT. I’d rather not.
So, what to do? Escape? Doesn’t really solve the problem, now, does it? I guess that I will continue to slog through it one year at a time, hoping for hope, hoping that each year I will change my feelings and lift myself up. One thing is for sure, nobody else can do this for me… I must do this myself.
So. Went to a Christmas Concert last night at a local Calgary University called Ambrose University. It is a Christian school. It had an excellent choir and a fair orchestra and the program was all in all pretty good – but it still didn’t get me there.
It has been an odd year, frankly. Being away from home the past five months has been pretty life changing. Having the switch back to the solo living existence intermittently, living without a car, the extreme cold weather here with all of its perils (slippery ice and freeze your face off cold)… and working out solutions to every day existence… Yeah, interesting. Not sure I am up for doing this again, though. Not being this far away. I miss my husband and my dog. You know you miss home when you feel pretty anxious about running out of coffee creamer. Silly stuff like that. Extreme worry about insignificant shit.
Guess it has taught me a few things… What about my life is precious – that I really do not want to waste my time left here on this planet, and that I have something poking at me that tells me that I need to contribute to the good of the place, and to its people, as best as I can… regardless… It’s one of those “greater good” things…
Anyhow, it’s Christmas season and I will contemplate this as it is meaningful to me in so many ways…
Mimi – Her Last Christmas
Rob with brother Will – Rob’s last Christmas…
And as I reflect, the family has bonds that tie to the season – I missed my son Rob’s last Christmas – sadly… But, you can’t always have it 100% and I will just remember the one where we were together… in 2003 – where he was himself and the quintessential “Rob”.
I will hold the penguins off as long as I can.
Holding out for a blessed holiday… to be different this year – in New Zealand…
In the meantime we pray for a good outcome for our friends Chase and Tom McGowen – son and father, recipient and donor of another transplant to hopefully extend Chase’s opportunity for some more years… Gosh they have been through it…
Hope abounds in this Christmas Season of the birth of hope…
