ellenspictures

Category: faith

  • what I like to do vs. what I do

    what I like to do vs. what I do

    Picture 14What I like to do?  That’s a good question.  It depends on the day.  Sometimes I can’t even answer that question.  It’s kind of like “what do you want to eat?” – to which I respond, “What do you have?”  or it’s close cousin “What are you going to eat?”  A question answer for a question…  Hmmmm – what’s going on there?

    I need me some insight!  Yeah.

    I recently decided to take the Myers-Briggs test again, just to check and see if I have changed.  Well.  Actually, I haven’t much.  It was of some comfort to be reminded of all of my blind-spots.  It reconfirms what some people tell me about myself, either frustratingly, or sometimes gently, but mostly in the former way, as I may have pushed them to the brink of whatever.  I guess that I am hard to be around sometimes, especially when I am not in my comfort zone, which can be a lot of the time.

    What happens is that I think that everything should fit into Planet Me.  Anything else is illogical.  I have to ask God to help me with this and give over to the higher power as I traverse into the land of the overwhelmed.  When I was in deep grief after losing Rob, and yes,  he was lost, no matter what anyone has told me otherwise, on my planet, he isn’t here – I can’t find him, so he is lost… As I was saying, when I was in deep grief, I had to give over to God.  It wasn’t possible for me to feel in control of anything – it was like something else had taken over me and was driving from deep inside me.  Hard as hell to ride those waves, but I finally managed to stay on the surfboard and not fall into the sea.  I kept looking for some dry land and eventually, I did land on a beach somewhere – still on my planet.  I have learned to live on “survivor island”,  as it is impossible to return to the old place where I was.  Forever changed, but not gotten — that old place…   Yep, it didn’t get me then — and I pray for peace all the time that this will be settled for at least a while (in geological time).

    As with most of us humans, I believe that I am programmed to worry about “the end” of life on earth – my life, everyone else’s “who are dear to me” ‘s lives – not so much that I have any control – but that I pray for not painful transitions – All the horseshit with suffering is not a good deal for anyone.  Enough of that.  FIDO.  If you want to know the acronym meaning of FIDO, search the inter-google.  You’ll find it eventually.

    So much of life is living through one’s days, not knowing when days will no longer be, and trying to enjoy life, love others, feel somewhat satisfied and successful at what you do,  interact with those around you and your world, in a positive way – and not be fearful of being alone…  Once I am by myself in quiet solitude, it isn’t so bad.

    It helps to have the dog here with me.  She is somebody.  Until my special somebody comes home again and we are together, she is here and remains here until such time as she isn’t – but that hopefully is on down the road some.

    I do worry about this enough that it enters my dreams, and so I know that the worry baseline contains this worrisome stuff.  I think it is because of my intuition and its strength.  God only knows why He gave me this.  It must serve some purpose.  Here, Dearie,  have an extra helping of intuition, thank you very much…  Hmmmm…  Does that come with salsa?

    My f***ing intuition drives me nuts sometimes and I want it to go away or just tame down some…  I pray over and over that I can be more wrong that right and just “normal” on the intuitive front.  Using intuition for good – that’s okay.

    What is interesting today is being up at 4:30 AM, or thereabouts – and being here at 6:40 AM, having been awake for two hours already!  It will make the day seem earlier, and then the evening will, too…  It’s fall-ish outside (finally) and yet it will get warm again before it doesn’t for awhile.  Typical weather for these here parts, plus a little bit warmer – thanks to climate change…

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    I plan to take this road trip tomorrow which will be an experience I have not had in a good while – road trip by myself.  My vehicle and I will traverse the roads of the hill country and try to avoid accidents and incidents with texting drivers who think it is their entitlement to text while driving, regardless of how it makes them drive.  ugh.

    Straight shot.  All the way to the midpoint (well maybe more than the mid-point!)  have lunch, go again to the destination.

    Birds are chirping, sun is rising – once again, it’s morning…

  • I am a grandmother now.

    I am a grandmother now.

    As much as I can’t get my mind wrapped around the fact:  I am a grandmother.  It takes a lot to become a grandmother, but your work really is over years and you tick the boxes as you, yourself, have children, and then they have children.  When you look at it, you cannot do this alone – it requires multiple partnerships to evolve and produce the succession of relationships that eventually produce this perfect little human being that unless you are weird, you fall in love with immediately.

    You also realize that this little perfect human being is in control of everyone and everything around him.  Wonder if he is thinking “what can I get all these people to do, next?”  He is pretty good at having us believe that he is in immediate need of (you have multiple choice here) eating, pooping, rocking, cooing, being held, being snuggled, back rubbed, burped, diaper changed… the list goes on.

    IMG_6587It is fun, from the grandmother perspective, to watch this evolve.  You have lots of emotions and feelings about this – you are constantly wondering who this little perfect human being that you have fallen in total love with looks like… and then he changes and you have actually only known him a little over a week, but he is growing like a weed… you are just in awe of him.

    Right now, it’s new to me and I know it will become more settled over time – but really, it’s a pretty cool situation!  I just wish that I could see him every day…

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  • What’s in Your Car? Looking, Examining, Interpreting and Understanding a Universe of Elements AKA Our World

    What’s in Your Car? Looking, Examining, Interpreting and Understanding a Universe of Elements AKA Our World

    How we look at our world is as various as we are from one individual to another. I recently watched a documentary about what’s in your car – what elements are within its materials – that described that each “thing” that the earth contains within or on it, has existed always in our universe – that there is the continual process of the ongoing reconfiguration of elements, that have always been – somehow, or daily life consists of what our DNA configures us to do, day in and day out, multiple times from sunrise to sunrise in a cyclical fashion.Marthas Photos003

    We progress by discovering more of these elements and by becoming more sophisticated in our manipulation and configurations of them through time.

    We know this as technology development, a named overarching set of activities towards this end.   It represents many intents, mainly making order out of chaos in a perception world that is becoming increasingly described in a virtual way.  We call this “modeling” or virtual worlds.

    Communication has always been, and follows a similar progression path to that of the elements. More expressive and virtual, communication enables beings to cooperate, and sustain by lending understanding of essential knowledge based on experience or for more critical situations, help in filling gaps of understanding of diagnosis and of interpretations that not all beings can understand.

    Values are placed on elements and expressions as well as the more clever manipulations and configurations of them. What we describe as “work” is treated as a multi-level activity hierarchy that consolidates behaviors and actions into groups, types, and levels of sophistication.  Heady stuff.

    Pleasure or pain, celebrating the entry or lamenting the losses of certain forms and beings are a part of this period that we experience described universally as “life” by various words that translate to that same meaning.

    However, ironically, we are clueless to the actual “meaning of life”. For addressing this, some utilize “science” which is a more “technical” view and some utilize “faith” and the various “belief systems” to bring themselves closer to an understanding of this “meaning of life”.  We are in many ways, in many faith groups, seeking to understand the sunrise and sunset of our lives, and what it all means in the context of our universe.

    In the meantime, there is what exists here – and love is a huge part of it.  The heartbreaking aspects of hurt and anguish in our lives are assuaged by love and its variable nature.  We know that love exists, as we feel it – just as we are able to feel God and the presence of the envelope that holds us here.  Our higher consciousness has been attained by meditation and prayer, which gives us insight into the existence of this state.

    Thunderheads From Above

    I had these thoughts on an airplane, recently, as I often do.  Might be the air quality or the altitude – whatever, these flowed into my mind… I had to capture them.  That program that I watched was quite good.

    It got me to thinking…