Reflecting about this, now for almost two years, it’s interesting how you have this sudden realization that you don’t have the illusion of unquantifiable tomorrows ahead of you on this earth anymore – not that you ever do, it’s just that this mental protective garment that some of us walk around wearing for some period of time – yes, self-defense mechanism – whatever you call it – give us this “there’s always tomorrow” feeling when we want to put something off. That phone call to someone. That visit to an elderly person. That whatever. Guess what. This isn’t the case, and if you can, you should go ahead and make that call or go visit or go to that place on your “bucket list”.
Now there’s a term – “Bucket List”. When this starts coming into your conversations, you know you are there – “that place of quantifiable tomorrows”. It’s just that you don’t know the quantity. God only knows this and has it held in that databank that no one to this date has been able to hack into. Not nobody, not no how…
This “garment of unquantifiable tomorrows” begins to get holes in it around your 40th high school reunion, or thereabouts… Some people are missing who were there at the last. The “Angels Table” with the pictures and candles gets bigger.
You may, more increasingly, get those emails with the subject line: Firstname Lastname. Usually, those are not emails with happy content. I’ve grown to dread these and sometimes, these are real shockers…
For instance, you may learn that someone who you haven’t seen for awhile has been really ill, and you didn’t know it, and then they died from whatever it was before you could even address that they were ill. Too much to process at once.
It was this way with my best friend from babyhood who never told me she was suffering from yet another ailment, on top of having Multiple Sclerosis. Some years before, she shared the MS diagnosis with me after several glasses of wine at a friend’s house, but somehow, I never did learn that she had this other illness that eventually took her life.
We were connected on Facebook, and we exchanged messages and whatnot. But you know how that is, especially if you have quite a few friends – some pop up more than others. She was a busy person, and I was, too. It didn’t occur to me that I had not seen anything from her in that last month or so — yet signs and obvious pictures and comments were there, if I had just looked. Unfortunately, I didn’t.
The next thing I knew, I got notice of her funeral services from one of my cousins in an email right before my 60th birthday. I was out of the country, so could not get back in time to attend. That sucked on so many levels.
I thought about it. Recently, she had called me on her way through town, but didn’t have time to stop, just a few months ahead of this – just wanted to say “hi” while she was driving by. Now I look back on that as the last tiny thread of opportunity that I could have had to see her just one more time. As I thought of this, it made me angry and sad – and I thought that it was tragic that we couldn’t have just one last conversation.
She held a special place in my life and in my heart – she was probably my oldest friend. We didn’t see one another often, living in separate cities, but when we did, it was picking up where we left off… Our mothers were college roomies, so effectively, we knew each other before birth, and as we were in utero – for sure as we were little babies and as we grew up in those early years, until my family moved away – but from time to time we still had opportunities to catch up on visits over holidays. Lessons learned – be with and speak with people while you have an opportunity…
And then there are the suicides. Those really get me. After losing my son ten years ago, those indeed really get me, because he wanted a life, but a disease took it, that he fought for the entirety of his life – and there were desperate measures to extend his life. Suicide, although he discussed this – he decided it was not an option for him – he would milk whatever life he had out of his life, TBD. It seems illogical to not do something before going down the drain by letting go or doing yourself in – we often do not have the option to help people in this state, but there are early warning signs – and it is heartbreaking that families today seem unable to deal with this by NOT denying that something is very wrong with that person who they love, who has problems with depression — it is where we are not equipped to deal with this. We don’t want it to be, so we ignore it as if it will go away on its own.
But, who am I to judge? I lived with a person who suffered with chronic depression – very dark depression – and he was on medication for this. He moved on and was seemingly doing well. But, in the end, something happened. He succumbed to this disease in the darkest of hours in a public place – a park bench – found dead by his own hands. I got one of those emails from a relative who informed me that he had done this.
For every person who takes this route there is a corresponding story.
Some people get to a point where this is their only perceived option. That, my friends, is very sad – that a person got to the point of having that amount of desperation. Maybe if you are facing life with a horrible painful illness, I get it. But, if it is that you were so blue and did not seek help, oh my gosh what a waste.
People don’t like to talk about this. I think I need to talk about it and hopefully, getting this out into the open will give some folks a clue. September is “Suicide Prevention Month”. We are in the last days of September.
Everyone needs to seek out what they can do to prevent this situation. Be very aware. If you just help prevent one, you’ve done a whole lot. The best thing that people can do is bring awareness and bring the subject out of the darkness – it is uncomfortable – but it is important.
