Category: yes i can curse if i want to i’m grown

  • the dimensions of time and trouble

    the dimensions of time and trouble

    Tactical.

    The alternate reality where Rob played, unconstrained...

    That’s a word that really deals with the immediate situation.  The “situation room”.  You have a problem, you deal with it, you make the problem go away (for now), you get sleep at night.  Fine.

    Dealing with long-term chronic illnesses – now that’s a concept where we apply both the tactical and the strategic.

    So much possibility...
    So much possibility…

    Remember.  None of us leave this planet alive.

    DSC00145We go somewhere else and leave the shell.  We all hope that the somewhere else is a good place, and not “the bad place”.  Sometimes we might rightly feel that some of our human comeuppance has been already held on the planet – if you listen to the news, you think “wow, this is really some weird shit…” – “what will they think of next?”

    Very complex.  Very confusing.  That’s why they call it “faith”.  You have to have it in order to survive through those rough patches.

    In the meantime, we deal with the strategic (eat healthy, get regular activity – not too much, not too little, just right…) and read all the research that comes out about what we’re doing – coffee is good, coffee is bad; one drink a day is good, drinking is bad; eggs and butter are bad, eggs and butter are good; carbs are bad, you need some carbs, just not some others… good grief…

    web over webIf you can’t remember your password, you have early onset Alzheimer’s — really?  Which password of the thousand that I have set, over the years, so that if/when someone hacks me, they won’t hack ALL of my accounts (naïve)…  I am supposed to remember those.  yeah.  right.

    Sometimes I am convinced that there is this great “anxiety generator” out there, making market for the yoga studios – there is something in it for everybody, right?  Everybody has to eat.  The people that don’t figure this out, and that they have to work to get food end up under the bridge living in cardboard boxes – and don’t call me paranoid, it just seems that there is always someone living under the bridge in cardboard boxes, no matter what we do to try to keep that from happening.

    Same thing with the jerks who “beat and cheat” – kids, wives, girlfriends, whatever – no matter how it is quelled on one hand, someone decides that they won’t support the quelling anymore, so it builds up.  Harper’s Bizarre.  Serial what-cha-ma-call-em’s…

    Oh, I digressed.

    Back to “long-term chronic diseases” — So you get pushed and pulled by media and news reports.  You try not to scare the shit out of yourself by reading too much of this “non” information on the net, complete with ads for drugs that look at what you’re lookin’ at and configure it “just for you” – lovely – and you may wonder, does it really matter after all?  Because, in the end of our time here on earth, we will either lose that battle with some sort of “long-term chronic disease” or else we will stroke out, fall down and go boom, have a coronary, be hit over the head, stabbed, or whatever happens that will take us out in an “acute incident or episode”.

    Whatever.  I guess I wonder why freak out?  Maybe its a wobbly.  We have not yet reached the Zen of our existence.  It’s maybe because we are not getting our way.  Its the anger because our dreams of what we thought we would be don’t turn out as we expected.  We have to go the other way, not the way we wanted to go, both figuratively and literally.

    We live in the clouds the rest of the time,  floating through life day by day, as time accelerates to the event horizon, the older you get, the less time you have, so you should appreciate when you wake up and take a breath every day – and make that coffee that smells and tastes so good – and go places, do things, kiss butterflies, chase dragonflies, love your loved ones, and of course, try not to leave a legend that is like “Ichabod Crane”, but rather one that everyone remembers fondly…

    Maybe it is just how we are, and we are realizing more about it every day.  I wish I could be back in time to interview my relatives who are now unreachable such that I could understand their thoughts, but I can’t right now.

    In the meantime, it’s live life to the fullest, get over the bumps in the road, ask for help moving the boulders and love your loved ones, telling them you love them as much as you can, as often as possible.

    It’s important for your family – and of course – for your history… and theirs, too.

  • a different paradigm…

    a different paradigm…

    New Year's Day 2015

    This year,  we attended a New Year’s Day party at the home of family friends in New Zealand.  This house could have been in the latest issue of Dwell or House Beautiful.  It was everything you could want – large rooms, freshly done – a back yard with a pool and separate changing areas – outdoor barbeque set-up – gorgeous landscaping and eating area shaded by a huge umbrella – with this new kitchen that opens out into the area – just perfect for entertaining…

    The host and hostess were cordially welcoming to us – and as we began to absorb into the party, we realized that we were in the minority of “non-smokers” – which as I now think back, struck me as surprising in today’s smoking banned environment – I suppose that it made me feel like I had made some erroneous assumptions about the world…  Yes, there are still, despite the information available to us about how bad smoking is for everyone and the planet, lots of smokers out there.  They have just been forced into closets, of sorts… some very flash, I might add.

    Likely, nicotine is the top addictive substance in the world, ever known to man, second only to food.  It is not like alcohol.  One cannot “just quit” without some pretty substantial physical and mental effects.

    Smoking is noxious, but the smoker, when smoking, does not behave offensively or kill people as a result (except insidiously over time, maybe, and of course, themselves, likely…over time).  It’s not like the smoker takes a puff or smokes several cigarettes and goes out and wrecks cars or some other thing that “addictive substance abusers” of other types might do…  I guess that is why it is such an insidious and horrible addiction – it isn’t obviously addicting.  You don’t really notice when a person need their “nicotine fix”, except when the person under observation, who has been starved of tobacco for several hours might get cranky or otherwise “crave” nicotine, but it’s not the same as other addictions…

    Anyway, I digress…

    The party was also “racing and gambling” themed, meaning, we were entered into a pool of $ by our family members, and we had an amount to use to “bet” on horses that were racing nearby and watch on TV as the races transpired.

    Well…this was interesting, especially for me, who tries to figure stuff out, being an analyst and hobbyist at social studies – observing the culture and people watching being two of my favorite things to do…

    First, I don’t usually gamble.  I really am shitty at playing games, mostly – except maybe Angry Birds or Solitaire… when I am bored, but effectively, I am not a gambler. 

    Let’s face it, my son and daughter in law got married in Vegas and I NEVER touched a slot machine the whole time we were there.  Why?  Well, one reason is because of the SMOKING. 

    Gambling and smoking go together like peanut butter and jelly.  Seems that there are zero “non-smoking” gambling establishments in Vegas.  Yep, they have these supposedly super systems for sucking out smoke and have areas of their casinos designated “non-smoking”, which I prefer to say are “roped off areas for second-hand  smokers” –  but these are more sections that sit right next to the smoking areas (the majority of the casino), so you still breathe in that second-hand smoke, and smell like an ashtray when you get back up to your room (yes, thank God, they have non-smoking rooms).

    But anyhow, the two go together.  And in my family, we have several gambler personalities (not in a really bad way) that love to play games and fritter away their hard-earned, while in Vegas, most being ex-smokers…

    Whatever.  Not my cup of tea.  All I can think about is work, fresh on my mind, and how hard it is to earn a dollar, and somehow it just takes all the fun out of it… 

    Damned if I didn’t digress again (sigh).

    At this party, I played along – after saying “no”, then getting talked into it by my husband.  And it did suck me in, to try to figure out the whole process and how people make decisions about what to bet, how to bet, the spread, and of course, it all happens so fast that you can’t really figure it out anyway, because I think that is by design for it to be so complex to make it difficult for the average Joe to understand it, right? 

    After all, there are people who are professionals at this – kind of a type of “financial analyst” except that they are trying to predict how an animal of some sort will behave against other animals of the same type while doing some sort of forward locomotion…  Then it gets into the animal’s past behavior, the upbringing, the trainers and the training, the animal “controller” (jockey in this case), and all sorts of predictive soft analytics, maybe a bit of hard analytics thrown in with statistical analysis and such… but anyway, this is quite an overwhelming quick-study, to say the least, when you are trying to play a game with the correct timing and such. 

    It was crazy and it was kind of fun, but of course we did not win, and we did observe that others did by orders of magnitude – likely because they had more practice.

    Everyone was very cordial, but in the end, the female contingent took off, and we were left with the “group of guys” who were more or less into it for the day… At that point, we departed and moved on out to spend the rest of the day doing whatever you do on New Year’s Day – think about resolutions, and reflect on the past year…

    But now here we are in 2015.  Another year coming at us.  We have already heard of the passing of another colleague, which sets the tone for realizing once again how transient and precious life is on this planet. It says to me that there are meaningful times that touch lives more than gambling it away. 

    I know I need to remember this always: Seize the moment and make it meaningful…you never know when your number is up.

  • Christmas.  This commercialism really gets old, the older you get…

    Christmas. This commercialism really gets old, the older you get…

    So.  Went to a Christmas Concert last night at a local Calgary University called Ambrose University.  It is a Christian school.  It had an excellent choir and a fair orchestra and the program was all in all pretty good – but it still didn’t get me there.

    It has been an odd year, frankly.  Being away from home the past five months has been pretty life changing.  Having the switch back to the solo living existence intermittently, living without a car, the extreme cold weather here with all of its perils (slippery ice and freeze your face off cold)… and working out solutions to every day existence… Yeah, interesting.  Not sure I am up for doing this again, though.  Not being this far away.  I miss my husband and my dog.  You know you miss home when you feel pretty anxious about running out of coffee creamer.  Silly stuff like that.  Extreme worry about insignificant shit.

    Guess it has taught me a few things… What about my life is precious – that I really do not want to waste my time left here on this planet, and that I have something poking at me that tells me that I need to contribute to the good of the place, and to its people, as best as I can… regardless…  It’s one of those “greater good” things…

    Anyhow, it’s Christmas season and I will contemplate this as it is meaningful to me in so many ways…

    Mimi - Her Last Christmas
    Mimi – Her Last Christmas

     

    Rob with brother Will - Rob's last Christmas...
    Rob with brother Will – Rob’s last Christmas…

    And as I reflect, the family has bonds that tie to the season – I missed my son Rob’s last Christmas – sadly… But, you can’t always have it 100% and I will just remember the one where we were together… in 2003 – where he was himself and the quintessential “Rob”.

    I will hold the penguins off as long as I can.
    I will hold the penguins off as long as I can.

    Holding out for a blessed holiday… to be different this year – in New Zealand…

    In the meantime we pray for a good outcome for our friends Chase and Tom McGowen – son and father, recipient and donor of another transplant to hopefully extend Chase’s opportunity for some more years… Gosh they have been through it…

    Hope abounds in this Christmas Season of the birth of hope…