Tag: life stream

  • the dimensions of time and trouble

    the dimensions of time and trouble

    Tactical.

    The alternate reality where Rob played, unconstrained...

    That’s a word that really deals with the immediate situation.  The “situation room”.  You have a problem, you deal with it, you make the problem go away (for now), you get sleep at night.  Fine.

    Dealing with long-term chronic illnesses – now that’s a concept where we apply both the tactical and the strategic.

    So much possibility...
    So much possibility…

    Remember.  None of us leave this planet alive.

    DSC00145We go somewhere else and leave the shell.  We all hope that the somewhere else is a good place, and not “the bad place”.  Sometimes we might rightly feel that some of our human comeuppance has been already held on the planet – if you listen to the news, you think “wow, this is really some weird shit…” – “what will they think of next?”

    Very complex.  Very confusing.  That’s why they call it “faith”.  You have to have it in order to survive through those rough patches.

    In the meantime, we deal with the strategic (eat healthy, get regular activity – not too much, not too little, just right…) and read all the research that comes out about what we’re doing – coffee is good, coffee is bad; one drink a day is good, drinking is bad; eggs and butter are bad, eggs and butter are good; carbs are bad, you need some carbs, just not some others… good grief…

    web over webIf you can’t remember your password, you have early onset Alzheimer’s — really?  Which password of the thousand that I have set, over the years, so that if/when someone hacks me, they won’t hack ALL of my accounts (naïve)…  I am supposed to remember those.  yeah.  right.

    Sometimes I am convinced that there is this great “anxiety generator” out there, making market for the yoga studios – there is something in it for everybody, right?  Everybody has to eat.  The people that don’t figure this out, and that they have to work to get food end up under the bridge living in cardboard boxes – and don’t call me paranoid, it just seems that there is always someone living under the bridge in cardboard boxes, no matter what we do to try to keep that from happening.

    Same thing with the jerks who “beat and cheat” – kids, wives, girlfriends, whatever – no matter how it is quelled on one hand, someone decides that they won’t support the quelling anymore, so it builds up.  Harper’s Bizarre.  Serial what-cha-ma-call-em’s…

    Oh, I digressed.

    Back to “long-term chronic diseases” — So you get pushed and pulled by media and news reports.  You try not to scare the shit out of yourself by reading too much of this “non” information on the net, complete with ads for drugs that look at what you’re lookin’ at and configure it “just for you” – lovely – and you may wonder, does it really matter after all?  Because, in the end of our time here on earth, we will either lose that battle with some sort of “long-term chronic disease” or else we will stroke out, fall down and go boom, have a coronary, be hit over the head, stabbed, or whatever happens that will take us out in an “acute incident or episode”.

    Whatever.  I guess I wonder why freak out?  Maybe its a wobbly.  We have not yet reached the Zen of our existence.  It’s maybe because we are not getting our way.  Its the anger because our dreams of what we thought we would be don’t turn out as we expected.  We have to go the other way, not the way we wanted to go, both figuratively and literally.

    We live in the clouds the rest of the time,  floating through life day by day, as time accelerates to the event horizon, the older you get, the less time you have, so you should appreciate when you wake up and take a breath every day – and make that coffee that smells and tastes so good – and go places, do things, kiss butterflies, chase dragonflies, love your loved ones, and of course, try not to leave a legend that is like “Ichabod Crane”, but rather one that everyone remembers fondly…

    Maybe it is just how we are, and we are realizing more about it every day.  I wish I could be back in time to interview my relatives who are now unreachable such that I could understand their thoughts, but I can’t right now.

    In the meantime, it’s live life to the fullest, get over the bumps in the road, ask for help moving the boulders and love your loved ones, telling them you love them as much as you can, as often as possible.

    It’s important for your family – and of course – for your history… and theirs, too.

  • Maybe it is just a process… You know, like life is just a process?  Reflection pools…

    Maybe it is just a process… You know, like life is just a process? Reflection pools…

    Yeah, of course… it’s the memories…

    This was the second Christmas... Good to try to improve the first one...
    This was the second Christmas… Good to try to improve the first one…

    It seems like such a long time ago – and I was… This was representative of hope – I actually have an old VHS of this day – and it snowed, too… which was interesting, because it doesn’t snow that much where we live, in Texas…

    Rob was just over a year old.  I have some other pictures of him – walking and running around like a Wildman that he was – of course a total contrast from 1987, when just a month old he was recovering from surgery and just out of the neo-natal ICU… We weren’t sure of much at the time… not at all.  Scary.  But 1988 was a turnaround improvement.  We thought he actually might stay awhile… And he did.  Almost 18 years total – but we never knew.  Every cold, every sniffle brought some potential for a tumble down.

    We learned to go to battle each time, getting better as we learned, only to know how much we had yet to learn, each time.  The vastness of the giant battle against an enemy that can take many forms.  Christmas was always the hopeful time, no matter what.  We made it that way.

    Rob, as he grew up, always was feisty and sometimes people did not suspect anything – in fact, as he got older, he preferred that people not know… for him, it was better that way, day to day.

    At 1988, Rob moved into “live it to the fullest” mode and never looked back…ever.  This is why Christmas time did represent so much hope to us…

    Looking out... Observing and exploring...
    Looking out… Observing and exploring…

    Now, I have to re-learn how to regard Christmas.  The first year was unbelievably tough.  With every year, it has morphed and the character of my grieving has changed.  It still is preferred to just be low key, but I feel that I am more of an observer, just going through motions.  No, it doesn’t help having friends there while I attempt to decorate the tree – nah.  Not when it took me three martini’s per session the last time I did this, and it took me several “sessions” to “git ‘er done”…  And then, there is the “dismantling”… oh my God in Heaven, please deliver me from having to go through THAT.  I’d rather not.

    So, what to do?  Escape?  Doesn’t really solve the problem, now, does it?  I guess that I will continue to slog through it one year at a time, hoping for hope, hoping that each year I will change my feelings and lift myself up.  One thing is for sure, nobody else can do this for me…  I must do this myself.

    Maybe this will be the year.  Hope floats.

    Up in the air

  • Reflections, Mirrors, Passages…

    Reflections, Mirrors, Passages…

    Every day we take for granted that which is around us, when suddenly, we can have things ripped into a different reality, or just news can make you think hard about what you take for granted.

    I look at my pictures from the past, and what I see in the mirror today, and I think, “how am I different now?”  Besides general aging, are my thoughts changing, bit by bit?  If what has happened to other people happens to me, how will I react or handle the situation?  We are always apt to have anything happen.

    Falling reminds me of this.  I fell inside the boat we were in, fishing, last week, foot slid out from under me when I went for the seat that moved out of my way when I was trying to get out of the way of a fish being caught – lots of action in a short period of time, lots of moving parts, then I went down to a painful conclusion!  And I fell, yesterday, my foot having become tangled in a cord under my chair, in a hurry, then straight down onto my other knee.  This happens fast.  Your body takes over.  Your mind is NOT in charge here.

    This time of year is a cluster of emotion for our family.  Definitely, people have been born, lived, died, and celebrated in this time frame – the harvest – then the celebration of life – holidays… every one, every year, on and on, and the trail of time weaving its life events throughout the labyrinth of occurrences…

    life stream

    It is all a bit of a journey – rivers flow, we flow, and we don’t really stop until we do…  And it can leave you feeling a bit flattened, at times.