ellenspictures

Tag: being by yourself

  • what I like to do vs. what I do

    what I like to do vs. what I do

    Picture 14What I like to do?  That’s a good question.  It depends on the day.  Sometimes I can’t even answer that question.  It’s kind of like “what do you want to eat?” – to which I respond, “What do you have?”  or it’s close cousin “What are you going to eat?”  A question answer for a question…  Hmmmm – what’s going on there?

    I need me some insight!  Yeah.

    I recently decided to take the Myers-Briggs test again, just to check and see if I have changed.  Well.  Actually, I haven’t much.  It was of some comfort to be reminded of all of my blind-spots.  It reconfirms what some people tell me about myself, either frustratingly, or sometimes gently, but mostly in the former way, as I may have pushed them to the brink of whatever.  I guess that I am hard to be around sometimes, especially when I am not in my comfort zone, which can be a lot of the time.

    What happens is that I think that everything should fit into Planet Me.  Anything else is illogical.  I have to ask God to help me with this and give over to the higher power as I traverse into the land of the overwhelmed.  When I was in deep grief after losing Rob, and yes,  he was lost, no matter what anyone has told me otherwise, on my planet, he isn’t here – I can’t find him, so he is lost… As I was saying, when I was in deep grief, I had to give over to God.  It wasn’t possible for me to feel in control of anything – it was like something else had taken over me and was driving from deep inside me.  Hard as hell to ride those waves, but I finally managed to stay on the surfboard and not fall into the sea.  I kept looking for some dry land and eventually, I did land on a beach somewhere – still on my planet.  I have learned to live on “survivor island”,  as it is impossible to return to the old place where I was.  Forever changed, but not gotten — that old place…   Yep, it didn’t get me then — and I pray for peace all the time that this will be settled for at least a while (in geological time).

    As with most of us humans, I believe that I am programmed to worry about “the end” of life on earth – my life, everyone else’s “who are dear to me” ‘s lives – not so much that I have any control – but that I pray for not painful transitions – All the horseshit with suffering is not a good deal for anyone.  Enough of that.  FIDO.  If you want to know the acronym meaning of FIDO, search the inter-google.  You’ll find it eventually.

    So much of life is living through one’s days, not knowing when days will no longer be, and trying to enjoy life, love others, feel somewhat satisfied and successful at what you do,  interact with those around you and your world, in a positive way – and not be fearful of being alone…  Once I am by myself in quiet solitude, it isn’t so bad.

    It helps to have the dog here with me.  She is somebody.  Until my special somebody comes home again and we are together, she is here and remains here until such time as she isn’t – but that hopefully is on down the road some.

    I do worry about this enough that it enters my dreams, and so I know that the worry baseline contains this worrisome stuff.  I think it is because of my intuition and its strength.  God only knows why He gave me this.  It must serve some purpose.  Here, Dearie,  have an extra helping of intuition, thank you very much…  Hmmmm…  Does that come with salsa?

    My f***ing intuition drives me nuts sometimes and I want it to go away or just tame down some…  I pray over and over that I can be more wrong that right and just “normal” on the intuitive front.  Using intuition for good – that’s okay.

    What is interesting today is being up at 4:30 AM, or thereabouts – and being here at 6:40 AM, having been awake for two hours already!  It will make the day seem earlier, and then the evening will, too…  It’s fall-ish outside (finally) and yet it will get warm again before it doesn’t for awhile.  Typical weather for these here parts, plus a little bit warmer – thanks to climate change…

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    I plan to take this road trip tomorrow which will be an experience I have not had in a good while – road trip by myself.  My vehicle and I will traverse the roads of the hill country and try to avoid accidents and incidents with texting drivers who think it is their entitlement to text while driving, regardless of how it makes them drive.  ugh.

    Straight shot.  All the way to the midpoint (well maybe more than the mid-point!)  have lunch, go again to the destination.

    Birds are chirping, sun is rising – once again, it’s morning…

  • bad bandwidth, slow down, chillax…

    bad bandwidth, slow down, chillax…

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    we are so connected that we can’t do much with ourselves if we aren’t… we think.

    yet.  if faced with that space in our lives, we have to re-learn what activity to choose:

    • do nothing (that’s scary, uhm, isn’t that like meditating?)
    • go find others to do something with… (hmmm, sometimes scary)
    • go be by yourself and in a focused way, do something that is a solitary relaxation activity (ahhh, now we are getting somewhere)
    • follow the lessons learned, being an only child (could write a book about this)
    • work on that book or some other book (ok, maybe there isn’t a book to work on…) write a poem?  haiku?  riddle or limerick?
    • play games
    • …

    in times past, and in times now, and in times forward into the future, we must, individually, face change.  change is life, life is change – how much have we heard this and it is true.

    think of it.  every nano-second, inside your body and mind, split second changes occur.  outside of yourself in the world around you, change is happening in multiple dimensions and it is chaotic, yet it is somehow mostly organized, with predictable phases and even behavioral characteristics.

    interesting conversations.  many changes in thoughts.  anxieties.  anxieties settled by something in the next second.

    i remember well, a time, years ago.  we had a group of children engaged in a day out from the hospital where they were patients for behavioral and psychiatric treatment for dysfunction and conditions that made them not able to live at home.  on our way back, one of them began to have a psychotic episode where one minute he was okay, the next, he began hallucinating, then became panicky, then expressed himself by being paranoid and acting out.  one of our staff got the brilliant idea to try opening an orange drink, then offering it to the boy, stating that this would make him feel better.  change the scene, change the sensations, hoping to change the progression of the episode.  amazingly, when the boy, who trusted the staff member, took the drink, tasted it, and swallowed it, it somehow did settle his anxiety and the psychotic expressions seemed to lift.  amazing.  change of sensation tipped the brain somehow.  not very scientific, but something worked.

    this stuck in my mind from that day forward.  whenever i get anxious i remember that time.  what is going on.  stop.  take a break.  do something different.  change.

    every one gets anxious at least once in their lives.  most of us get some sort of anxiety once a day, most days.  it is hard to relax in a connected and chaotic world with so much stimuli coming at us all the time.

    being by yourself for a brief time, when you don’t expect it, can be considered a small activity like going to a movie, or doing anything else.  short duration. seek to get the best out of the time.  read a book.  write a book.  sketch.  meditate.  what else?  the list can go on.

    take that opportunity to relax.  chill-out.  remember.  it won’t last.