ellenspictures

Category: observations

holidays they are a comin’ – ready for taking a renewed approach? yes definitely.

It starts with Halloween. Actually, it starts earlier than that, but we won’t go there.

Today, I read this most wonderful editorial by Cooks Illustrated Christopher Kimball in the most recent print issue of Cooks Illustrated about Thanks Giving. Yes, that’s not “Thanksgiving”, but “Thanks Giving”. Different things. He stressed that gratitude and thanks giving is the point and a full reason for living. The little things.

Essentially, he wrote that gratitude is the true meaning of our celebration of Thanksgiving – giving thanks – not being “perfect” as in having the “perfect meal” or the “perfect celebration”, or getting upset or ruminating in the past, which I have a tendency to do (as exhibited last Christmas when I lost it on Christmas Day).

My problem was that instead of feeling gratitude at the gifts of being in a wonderful place around warm and loving people, for some reason I was angry at myself for feeling sad and bad, and then I was chock full of resentment at the happiness that they seemed to have together. I felt outside of it. I was somewhat feeling strange about the lack of commercialization that was there and I couldn’t wear my holiday sweaters without being stared at by people like I was a freak!

Sadly, I probably did untold and irreparable damage to relationships in the process. I realized this after the fact, and I am still realizing that I need to straighten up and fly right. Will I ever recover the relationships? Time will tell. I have much work to do in this area.

I know what my problem is. I too much dwell in the sadness of the past, in too many times when we had difficulties over the holidays, and my recent inability to even stand up and decorate our house for the holidays because of the sadness of the past.

If I focused on the positive nature of our blessings – if I held more gratitude for the gifts that we have – of love – of a new grandson – of the health that we have – of escaping yet again a cancer diagnosis this year, albeit narrowly – and the multitude of material riches that we have in our family, which frankly pales to the comparison of the amazing love that we have going around.

Thanksgiving is coming. After that, is Christmas. Then the cycle begins again. I will begin giving thanks and continuing to build this habit, as I really can’t do anything about the past, but I can do something about my giving thanks and showing more gratitude in the future…

Mimi – Her Last Christmas

Enjoying his personalized menu!

I will hold the penguins off as long as I can.

Delighted at Bagpipers!

Monarch in New Zealand…

Big fish!

October 24, 2015
what I like to do vs. what I do

What I like to do? That’s a good question. It depends on the day. Sometimes I can’t even answer that question. It’s kind of like “what do you want to eat?” – to which I respond, “What do you have?” or it’s close cousin “What are you going to eat?” A question answer for a question… Hmmmm – what’s going on there?

I need me some insight! Yeah.

I recently decided to take the Myers-Briggs test again, just to check and see if I have changed. Well. Actually, I haven’t much. It was of some comfort to be reminded of all of my blind-spots. It reconfirms what some people tell me about myself, either frustratingly, or sometimes gently, but mostly in the former way, as I may have pushed them to the brink of whatever. I guess that I am hard to be around sometimes, especially when I am not in my comfort zone, which can be a lot of the time.

What happens is that I think that everything should fit into Planet Me. Anything else is illogical. I have to ask God to help me with this and give over to the higher power as I traverse into the land of the overwhelmed. When I was in deep grief after losing Rob, and yes, he was lost, no matter what anyone has told me otherwise, on my planet, he isn’t here – I can’t find him, so he is lost… As I was saying, when I was in deep grief, I had to give over to God. It wasn’t possible for me to feel in control of anything – it was like something else had taken over me and was driving from deep inside me. Hard as hell to ride those waves, but I finally managed to stay on the surfboard and not fall into the sea. I kept looking for some dry land and eventually, I did land on a beach somewhere – still on my planet. I have learned to live on “survivor island”, as it is impossible to return to the old place where I was. Forever changed, but not gotten — that old place… Yep, it didn’t get me then — and I pray for peace all the time that this will be settled for at least a while (in geological time).

As with most of us humans, I believe that I am programmed to worry about “the end” of life on earth – my life, everyone else’s “who are dear to me” ‘s lives – not so much that I have any control – but that I pray for not painful transitions – All the horseshit with suffering is not a good deal for anyone. Enough of that. FIDO. If you want to know the acronym meaning of FIDO, search the inter-google. You’ll find it eventually.

So much of life is living through one’s days, not knowing when days will no longer be, and trying to enjoy life, love others, feel somewhat satisfied and successful at what you do, interact with those around you and your world, in a positive way – and not be fearful of being alone… Once I am by myself in quiet solitude, it isn’t so bad.

It helps to have the dog here with me. She is somebody. Until my special somebody comes home again and we are together, she is here and remains here until such time as she isn’t – but that hopefully is on down the road some.

I do worry about this enough that it enters my dreams, and so I know that the worry baseline contains this worrisome stuff. I think it is because of my intuition and its strength. God only knows why He gave me this. It must serve some purpose. Here, Dearie, have an extra helping of intuition, thank you very much… Hmmmm… Does that come with salsa?

My f***ing intuition drives me nuts sometimes and I want it to go away or just tame down some… I pray over and over that I can be more wrong that right and just “normal” on the intuitive front. Using intuition for good – that’s okay.

What is interesting today is being up at 4:30 AM, or thereabouts – and being here at 6:40 AM, having been awake for two hours already! It will make the day seem earlier, and then the evening will, too… It’s fall-ish outside (finally) and yet it will get warm again before it doesn’t for awhile. Typical weather for these here parts, plus a little bit warmer – thanks to climate change…

I plan to take this road trip tomorrow which will be an experience I have not had in a good while – road trip by myself. My vehicle and I will traverse the roads of the hill country and try to avoid accidents and incidents with texting drivers who think it is their entitlement to text while driving, regardless of how it makes them drive. ugh.

Straight shot. All the way to the midpoint (well maybe more than the mid-point!) have lunch, go again to the destination.

Birds are chirping, sun is rising – once again, it’s morning…

October 4, 2015
decisions, challenges, keeping focus and still worrying, after all these years

personally, i haven’t changed a bit…

all these years. yep. it is a fact, day by day, we never know what comes around the corner.   finding eggs, after hunting for them all over the place… an early adopter. pastel colored eggs were and still are attractive.   not sure why that is. early exposure.

in my life, if I think of it at a certain level of abstraction, there have been puzzles to solve. always.

I can also remember bits and pieces of early childhood vividly. sometimes the smells. sometimes just the scenes. sometimes the voices of my grandmother and mother, talking together, drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes, or with my godmothers, always doing some sort of project.

it was an interesting early life, always something going on – activity – not much sitting around – mostly, inventive, clever, fun. there was always fun factor. enjoyment was king. maybe since it was just a few years after the war ended, they recognized the value of enjoyment and fun factor.

I grew up around a lot of adults, and kids, sometimes, but mostly, it was adult-oriented – and sometimes alone – left to play by myself, or supposedly napping – sometimes I did nap, but mostly not.

A little uncertain of whoever it was taking the picture. Dad was, too?

I kind of like puzzles. Hard to solve ones, but satisfying if I do.  The life challenges, however, can begin to wear you down – you need a re-charge and once in awhile – you get it, that, sometimes a new challenge is actually energizing, not draining. Change of scenery.

Just when you are greatly comforted, that’s when something happens. Almost if comfortable is a warning sign. This is the anthem of the anxious. Perhaps, I am a bit anxious, but calmly so, if that makes any sense. To those of you out there who share this, it will make sense.

but worrying is genetic, I’ve decided. still haven’t been able to Zen around it… guess I got that from my Dad, he was chief of the worriers – did it for all of us – but, I guess, I take his place in that.  Must surround myself with Zen people. Chill. That’s it. But not easy.

May 21, 2015