conundrums of life. 

it is all how things are perceived.  people to people.  actions. viewpoints.  statements.  good or bad.  beautiful or ugly.  smells.  sounds. sights. sense.

here’s the deal.

one person might go forward with ideas that something is interesting and compelling.  it might have some artistic flair, not maybe conventional.  being one of those to give a graphic to make people think a bit – not have it be obvious, sometimes a bit wacky.  a bit humorous.  “hah!  made ya think!”  “things that make you go hmmmm…”  and all that.

not usual.  trying to keep attention and not be boring.  but, it is more like trying to tell a compelling story.

but.  and double but.

the body language tells it all.  stiff upper lip.  snoozing.  a few laughs.  and as for the one delivering the messages.  sinking feelings of having really gone the wrong route.  realizing that not only was this damaging in a lot of dimensions, it encouraged the feelings of “old and in the way”.  not one of those feelings that makes you do much but be rather depressed.

might be the last one by choice.  just like the half-marathon.  stop at number ?  lost count.  lots of them.  many years.  many audiences.  first time feeling this way.  its a sign.  not a good one.

oh, and by the way, “good” and “bad” are words in my vocabulary.  to each one’s own…

at the end of the day.  what matters is likely your connections with those that you love, and who love you back.  you hope that you can balance keeping your own self intact, because you presume that this is who they love, but not being a jerk, which if you are cranky or moody, sometimes is not avoidable, at least temporarily.  you also do not want to be a pushover.  but being annoyingly negative is not the most fun to be around.  i aspire to be human.  i aspire to try to not take myself so seriously that i am not me anymore.  i am a connector of people who appear to be kindred souls.

but i do get overwhelmed with life from time to time, who doesn’t?  sometimes stuff happens in life that really sucks.  you just cannot predict when or where or to whom.

in the meantime, trying to promote decency, peace on earth good will towards others and non-violence seems to be the right thing to do – but humor is essential to survival.  the minute i feel that humor has left the building, that i have to not be me anymore, and that my actions are pushed into insincerity, i go “stop”.  this is not me.

this is me.  the one who can work to the bone, care deeply, and has a huge capacity for love of home, and planet, and of course God almighty.  after all, God is taking care of my family that i can’t touch or see anymore…  He knows what to do when we get lost and can’t find our maps to get back on the road.