ellenspictures

Category: memories

  • Walks down memory lane can be exhausting.

    Walks down memory lane can be exhausting.

    Recently, I was asked to help with a part of a book that a friend is writing, and I agreed, of course. This required me to go back in the way-back time machine and research many things, such as old documents, and timelines, and emails – and such. For the most part, it re-activated memories of the past, which involved some of the most devastating impactful moments of my life. Of course, everyone has similar moments, if they are human, that is, but to everyone, those are very unique, even though they are “similar” in ways that enable psychologists and sociologists to “categorize” these emotions.

    At the conclusion of this, the email with all the information sent over, I’m here to tell you, I’m pretty knackered mentally and actually, I feel that way physically, too – so that’s the old indicator of something that causes some “depressive responses”. You got it. Grief revived. It’s not acute, but definitely, with everything else going on in the world, it kind of leaves me feeling flat, and out of gas.

    What to do? My answer will be to get out in the out of doors and do my usual endorphin generating stuff. I don’t know what else to do? Running girl stuff or aqua-girl stuff – doesn’t matter.

    I just had to file a report — for now.

  • Christmas AKA the holidaze

    Christmas AKA the holidaze

    Mince Pie

    So, it’s been building. That overwhelmed feeling that comes in around Thanksgiving and builds until after New Year’s Day.

    Can I do what I need to do in time? What am I forgetting? Things cost too much. Can I make people happy or happier? What? When? How? Oh shit. Then the occasional panic attack, the deep breathing, the thought that at least I’m not trying to bake cookies for everyone (circa the 1970’s – 1980’s). Maybe I should host a cookie bake party. We could drink adult beverages and… Or then, that might be too much, too.

    Then there were the days when I felt compelled to write Christmas greetings individually on each card that I sent. And I am verbose in my writing…so, this made me exhausted. I was going to night school, and really trying to be and do everything… I think. After work, I went to class. On the weekends, I studied. Then there was some amount of “free” time which seems ludicrous to me now. The expectation that I thought was there, might have been in my head. I don’t know.

    And of course came hosting the holiday meals. I took this plunge one year, when I didn’t know I was expecting, but somehow the smell of collard greens cooking knocked me back! And I love collard greens! Yep, it wasn’t long before other things happened and I made an appointment at my doctor’s office, and you guessed it. A September baby was coming!

    But, here I am forty and decades later plus a couple of years. No babies to expect (of my own). Only the drive to have a happy holiday with family, friends, and pray for Peace during these times of turmoil that seems to be everywhere.

    The prayers are endless. Pray for the impact of the pandemic to lessen. Pray for a better economic situation for everyone in the world. Pray for those who are alone. Pray for those who are sick and in need of help. Pray for the homeless and those suffering difficulties due to mental health issues… And especially for the people in Ukraine who were needlessly and cruelly attacked.

    In answer to the hysteria of the holidaze around here… I can do things to mitigate the stress. I

    Just a little green thing

    Then maybe, I could just go out and take a run or jump in the pool (yes, it’s still warm outside in December it’s been in the 80’s F for a couple of weeks…).

    Welcome to climate change. A curse of humankind, but potentially it’s what happens in end times if someone in the distant past seeded this planet and set this in motion. It could be significant that there are multiple rule books that have been written – multiple versions that have a disparate appeal, depending…

    nimble_asset_IMG_0015
    Antiquities from the grands and great-grands

    But, then, it’s the holidays. We should be having a good time.

    So, why all this stress during the holidays? Lots of theories out there…

    I get told that I shouldn’t decorate so much. But it does help me to remember happy times with people who aren’t here anymore. Yes, it makes me sad, but then it makes me think about how much love there was and how they were, when they were here. Some of the decorations are really old – antiques by now, seriously. I do treasure them, because I treasure the people whose these were. The historical significance of these is immeasurable.

    nimble_asset_SonnyAndBabyWill
    Just born so many years ago

    Going out to stores to shop is crazy these days. Anything from the angry men driving the two story trucks, to the impatient women all dressed up in hot fashion just to go to the grocery store…

    It’s a statement. It requires an escalator to get into it. Behind me in traffic, honking, I think, “Gee, I hope they don’t shoot me!”

    I just get in the mode of, WTF? Can you people just relax, already? Then, I say to myself, “look who’s talking…” Eye roll. Get a grip! I guess it just depends on the person and the stress that they suffer, and how they decide to manage it.

    Me, I don’t think people should need to look intimidating. It just puts people off. I sometimes think I should experiment and say to the driver, if I got the chance, “Do you need a hug?” But, I don’t. I suppress my impulses to do something that could land me in a lot of trouble. People here are not very friendly. It’s a real mixed crowd. As long as the goats stay away from the cows, everything is fine for them, if you get my drift. Color outside the lines and they’ll be trouble.

    So, as I go about my business, I will keep trying to enjoy the next two weeks as best as I can and remember my family and friends even if it is in the tiniest of ways and gestures – of kind words, and do my part in trying to take the pressure off. I definitely need to practice at this. Learn something new every day!

    Leading up to the crescendo of Christmas and the Twelve Days thereof, what I always like to say at some point is:

    Wishing You and Yours, Peace on Earth, and Goodwill towards Humankind!

    The Kiwi Christmas Trees…
  • It hasn’t been a cheery week. To look at it another way, loss is a thing, change is a thing, and this is all a part of living.

    It hasn’t been a cheery week. To look at it another way, loss is a thing, change is a thing, and this is all a part of living.

    The transformations marked by events push our thoughts and contemplation into the mode that we, as humans, find difficult to face – our own mortality – loss and grief – and all that comes with. Some if this is anticipating future loss – what that would be like for us – and until we face these, we really don’t know.

    The uncertainty that these changes in our relationships introduce is what we have a difficult time facing. We must deal with the stress, distress, growth cycle as we go through the mental processing to get through the emotions without becoming chronically depressed and bogged down.

    Someone dear passes away suddenly. Someone else dear has a major illness which causes a major change in their lives. The collisions of trying to plan life milestone happy occasions around the changes in an important family relationship impacting everything else. Losing a beloved pet.

    Facing holidays when the normal is not there any more.

    Trying to resolve and adjust to long term events that have caused everything to undergo change. Let’s face it, if we lived under the assumption that the joyous time of winter holidays (or summer if you live down under), would always be the fun observation of traditions long held – we literally are living in some sort of fantasy land.

    What we have done is try to create new experiences. Invite people to come together to celebrate in groups where people either do not know one another or are not all related. Try to bring joy to others who would potentially be going through the holiday alone. It is not that we couldn’t celebrate our holiday all by ourselves, it is that holidays are meant to be shared.

    Family

    As for family changes, those are always ongoing. That is life. Your perception is not their perception. Their priorities are often very different and may not include you in them. As I have learned, being an “only”, without siblings, the distant nature of my relationship to others in my family constellation is often influenced by things that I do not understand. These may be unintended and likely are.

    I reflect on happy times when we were included in family gatherings. Thinking back, I wonder if that was more because my mom or grandmother had the catalytic relationship with everyone else? Once they have departed, those relationship links eroded and have taken effort to maintain. I have tried to form these or re-form them. It just seems that there is no desire and it takes two to make a relationship. These are not just a given.

    It’s not just the holidays

    Communication is difficult. De-prioritized, I think. “I’m zoomed out” “I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you earlier” (earlier was possibly months ago). Short replies designed to cool the conversation. No reply at all. Try calling. No answer. Leave a message. No reply. Some have more manners than others. Some at least say, “I’m busy, I’ll get back to you” Some never do after that. What is the message? You do not rank up on the list of people that they wish to interact with on a regular basis.

    And it seems that there is a circle and my immediate family of three adults and a grandchild are not in it. As I get older, I think, “why do I continue to try?” Nobody cares, and I guess I should abandon caring. It will never be known to me whether I caused something to break, or if it, like lots of things, just deteriorates on its own and fades away.

    The artist and musician, Neil Young, has written so much about this. I think he has studied this since he was quite early in his career. What aging does to individuals and families is all a part of life, but because there are parts of this that are very unpleasant, we move through those until we get through them, at times on tiptoes, sometimes tripping and falling, sometimes through thick snow in heavy boots until the cold darkness passes. Whichever situation comes along, much of this is mental and emotional and there is no instruction manual for how to do this. I have also learned that the dynamic of age, and individual event dynamics, the people involved and such, for those it changes how we deal with getting through losses and recovering back to some sort of equilibrium.

    Families in the ideal, should support one another through these times. A lot of the time you hear the bad stories where this doesn’t happen. In my family, I suspect we are average. Maybe about a 4.5 on the scale of 1-10.

    Back to communication issues – it’s true that this is the number one problem with humans. They do not do communication well.

    The question is whether I should continue to try to reach out, or should I just stop trying and see what happens.

    Thanksgiving was one of the “try and see” times, and a few people did reach out – I actually did not intentionally not reach out, it was that I was flat-out working to prepare for guests so that we could give them a wonderful experience – as much as we could.

    So, it leaves me with a conundrum. Major decisions to make. Some of this does affect my day to day and it is very important that I do keep connections and do keep trying to communicate with certain of these people who are my family. Others, not so much, I guess. I love them. They are my family. I must face the reality that the feelings are not mutual. That’s it.