I think that it is because it all seemed to happen at once.  The dimensions and facets right now are pretty different from this time a year ago.

I think that everyone is affected, not just us – but we have “extra stuff” that impacts our lives right now.  I wish it were different.  In as much as we try to get through each day, without me coming completely apart, I feel that I am touching the border of what constitutes the seams, and they are showing their wear right now.  If one aspect were more stable, then I think that the whole of it would not feel like impending doom.

I grasp for hopeful straws, having a foundation of optimism within myself.  Sometimes I wonder if the foundation is cracking a bit.  I believe that I always relied on looking out and finding something else that was a go-to goal – that had promise of “better” whether it was people, situations, places, or whatever, but something that would change the landscape.  I think that “fresh start” is an apt term, or a “reset”, whereby the foundation was still intact, but some of the things that had gone wonky had been removed or stopped.

Human beings have a great elasticity that most people would have you believe does not exist.  Some of us have a constitution that enables us to stretch beyond the limits that we ever imagined that we possessed within ourselves.  Some of us do not.

It is evidenced by genetics, likely, as we are learning that this is the “code” of our existence to be cracked to solve mysteries of our evolution, our capabilities, our vulnerabilities, and everything in between.

I look back at my family members on both sides of my family.  We had some very strong individuals who faced great challenges, as well as great opportunities to better their lives.  Looking back as far as I can reach, we had those who sailed to be in a better place, escaping what they believed to be untenable.  We had those who once they reached this turf, sought to make their way despite the tough environments and tough tasks ahead, just to survive.  We had those who were victimized by diseases and could not escape death from those.  We had the sturdy, who despite great hardships and change out of their control, figured out how to survive and survive well.  I think we had a great combination of thinkers, some strategic, some tactical, and some who were dreamers, who without those dreams would not have been the entrepreneurs that they became.

One theme that has emerged, percentage wise, is strength and endurance.  Do not get me wrong – this is not 100% – but more than not, we have not been taken down without holding on as long as possible.  Few suicides exist and there are not too many afflicted with known mental illness.  Neuroses?  Yes, for sure.  Cause-effect stress related illnesses?  Definitely.  But all in all, persistence was one of the character traits, along with tenacity, and care for people – genuine, that underlay the other aspects of character that we have developed over time.

We had artists, lawyers, business people, teachers, and those who did not fall into any particular category of profession, but had tendencies to those named.  For certain, creativity and lateral thinking were there – as well as those who were outfit to analyze and solve problems.  Who are we?  We are people who by and large cared for our families first.  This is the underlying driver of why we have done what we have done.  Yes, we have the need to feel fulfilled and enjoy a happy life, but we were driven by family survival needs.

My family on the West side – both West branches – were pioneers.  They moved across large expanses of sea, land, across country borders, even, migrating or homesteading for better opportunities.

Dangerous ventures, likely, as initially, people came across the oceans, and later, some of this was moving into what was called back then, “Indian Territory” – before Oklahoma and New Mexico became states in the USA.  Into Kansas, as well, which was enabled by the building of the railroads west in the 1800’s.

Some of them fought in the Civil War, some against their will, some proudly fought for the Union, and I have the papers to show that coming from my great-grandfather.  Some came from England to the US in the 1600’s, before the revolutionary war, working in shipping, out of Massachusetts when it was a grimy, cold place.  Imagining that they lived through the witch hunts and the atmosphere was tough then, like we are seeing now.

Some of them endured epidemics, losing their husbands and children to these outbreaks of disease – one lost her husband and a child the same day.  After losing my son to Cystic Fibrosis, after 17 plus years, I cannot imagine the pain of that loss.  And it happened to more of her children, having lost a few more of her little ones, to scarlet fever, which was a disease that caused my aunt, my Dad’s sister, to lose nearly all of her hearing capabilities, as she had this as a child.  She grew up with the disability and yet, she became a teacher by profession, having obtained that degree, later on with the same determination that was ingrained – it was a West trait, and likely, my grandmother did not let her disability stop her from participating as much as possible in school, and normal activities.  She coped well.

My grandmothers both did manage their families, but in greatly different ways.  My grandmother West was very well skilled at living off of the land, fishing, and teaching all three of her children how to do the same.

My dad could grow things, cook, fish, hunt, fix stuff, build houses and furniture and just about anything else.  He understood tools, systems and materials very well.  He understood land, weather, and could figure just about anything out.  He was a great negotiator.  He was friendly, but he was also suspicious of people who appeared untrustworthy.  He had a deep survival instinct.  He was strong, and he was gentle.  He protected us, and served as our foundation of strength.

He was good with kids, and he was good with most animals (except for small dogs that chased him when he was approaching land owners in his work).

Anything that he personally built was strong, and meant to last.  When he passed away, he said, “Take care of your mother”, in some of his last words to me.  At that point, I knew that he was passing the baton to me, because he felt that I could do the job.

It was interesting and empowering for him to do this.  It was also a great responsibility, and a difficult job, as my mother, who I will discuss later, was strong willed in her own way, and had a complex personality that was difficult to interpret at times, and definitely, taking care of her was a challenge, as she did not want me in that role until much later in the next decade after my dad passed away.

My dad was reluctant to give up – to lose control.  I saw, as he aged, as he had physical deterioration, that he would approach these with following the doctors’ orders and try to solve and resolve.  The one that eventually got him was congestive heart failure, which has a predicted outcome.  However, he lived to the maximum predicted extent of that outcome, exceeding it by about six months.  That was my dad.

At the time of his death, he was still refusing to go.  It brings to mind the Dylan Thomas poem, “Do Not Go Gently Into That Good Night”.

About this present situation, my Dad would have been beside himself – he would likely have been very worried, but he would have also become angry and likely, if this happened to him, it would have caused irreparable damage to the relationship as a result.  Worrying was a character trait that I inherited from him, however, I think that I remain open for a forgiveness process, which I do not believe that my dad embraced.  He did hold grudges, some forever.  He never forgot much at all.  Unlike his mother, dementia in any form did not set in with him – he may have had a little temporal confusion, as you do as you age – but he never forgot people, relationship events, or things that happened.  Ever.

Our personalities, being unique only to us, as we are unique in the combination of what genetic design we inherit.  Plainly, each of us is unique – but each of us has characteristics that can be similar to our parents, our grandparents, and other relatives.  We can see it, feel it or acknowledge it – and people who know you well say, “you sound like….”  or “you remind me of….” or “your grandmother used to have that twinkle in her smile…”  or “you are scowling like your grandfather…”  You get the point, right?

But there are times in our lives where we “feel” the ominous coming or we “feel” that something is just not right.  Despite the encouragement of people to “just get over it” and let it be, it screams at you – from the center of your gut – in such a loud way, that you cannot ignore it.  I often think that those who are “super-sensitive” might be those who hear voices or see people who are not apparent to the rest of us.  Who knows the mysteries of this half-in-this-world situation of perception?

But right here right now we have a situation.  Everyone is on pins and needles waiting… and some of us are suspicious that our attention is being diverted from things that are actually going on right under our noses.  I’m not paranoid.  Now I am reading this in the news.  How about this situation up in Fort Worth, Texas, where the lady was arrested for voter fraud – here is her story from the New York Times.  It makes me want to vomit.  Seriously.  Talk about cruel and unusual punishment… this is extreme.  And these people who are now in leadership roles all over our state, they don’t care about people and the greater good – they see that as being “socialist” or something.  They do not recognize that this is based in core values, in our upbringing where our parents are supposed to help us care about our fellow man – as they knew that if dangerous times came upon them, the factions could be more damaging inside the country when facing an outside enemy.  The McCarthy era, in the end, did not yield positive outcomes.  In fact, the issues that came from that were long lasting, and Martin Luther King became a champion of civil rights and equal rights, which have yet to completely be put into place – we are still struggling.  It becomes an open sore that nearly heals, but never quite does.  It leads us down the road of wondering, “are we going to substantially change as a country?”  “Are we going to be broken apart by this?”

If you think about it, all sorts of issues are touched upon that send big red flares up – a person who cannot speak English well, nor read well enough to fill out complex forms in order to get to vote, and a person whose family brought her to the USA when she was an infant… she has been here since, is married and has several children, and has been working.  She thought she could vote and did not understand that she was not eligible.  Why is this?  People took her application and no one flagged it as potentially problematic years ago.  The communication issues are screaming here.  She does not understand and cannot read well.  Illiteracy is an issue.  Language is an issue.  Yet, no one recognized it until now – because it was not important to anyone at the time.  This could have been stopped before she got to the point of actually voting.  Yet, it did not because people were not focused on this witch hunt.

This is appearing to look like that type of situation – having both the “witch hunt” and the “McCarthy Era” aspects together, it becomes expensive, damaging, and sends us backwards in our progress.  Who wins from this?  It’s bullshit.  It is people who are bullies, throwing their weight around.  They do not care.  They just want to be “in control” and “in power” and they probably cannot explain to you why, because the self-righteousness is so deeply ingrained – they profess to be Christian, yet they do not know the first things about the teachings of Christ.  It is incredible, but very true across the broad landscape of Christianity in some of the religious sectors of the United States.  Misinterpretation is a dangerous thing, especially when people become zealots in political office.

Yet in Texas, today demographic statistics point to the population of the state being Hispanic or Latino, 38.8% percent, July 1, 2015, (V 2015) (b) US Department of Commerce Census Bureau Estimates.  What does this mean?  It means that over 1/3 of the population is under-served.  Well, we all know that.

Look at the Texas Government elected officials:  Planet of the White Guys are the most outspoken and in control.  We have a bad problem here, especially in the rural counties, now empowered to be as racist as they feel, and stomp on anyone who does not look like them in terms of skin color, or from a country that contains people that look like them.  Its the basic animal instinct to be suspicious of “those which are strange”.  Rollback the clock, folks, we are sliding down the slippery slope.  Hold onto your sleds.

I suppose that for today, we must try to just tend to health and well-being.  The draw to escape is great.  Looking for hope in wrong places is not on the table.  However, looking for hope in places that are good and better, certainly is.  I am going to have to continue to consider this…

It is February 12, 2017, and we are expecting another record high, in the warmest year on record, to date, in recorded history.  I guess that eventually the unbelievers will have to believe that things are definitely changing…  The storm destruction will be in their faces, and potentially, they will experience something that will convince them.  Science is data collection, interpretation and observation.  Eventually, they will look at it and say, “Wow, it was here all along.  Maybe we should have paid attention.”  Yup.  Maybe they will, maybe they won’t… time will tell.