Since 2005, each year, from May 24 through September 20, I feel the time coming well ahead of when it does finally begin.

In that year, in that time frame, much happened.  The events were compressed and highly charged with life changing impact, and the resulting reactions and emotions that occurred caused a ripple effect that has been multi-faceted, branching, and will likely last a lifetime.

I have dreams that indicate that there are remnants of this within my mind and soul.  I wonder if there is communication occurring, not from here on this earth, but from that place where souls go – heaven, hopefully – and the nature of the dream is comforting – but with as little as we know, the scientists like to say it is chemical.

I ask, “why then, does it take this form?”  And many of them who have been stumped do finally acknowledge that there is something to this missing link that we may be designed to never be able to grasp…  It does not matter.  It is existential and experiential and bottom line, it keeps me wondering.

I am hopeful that it does mean that someday, I will be able to be less distant, and I will be able to pick up with the relationships with those who are no longer on this earth with us.  The closeness of our souls, the genetic connections, and so much that we believe, that we have faith that will be, is within ourselves.

Now that I am a grandmother, I wish that I could impress how important those tiny moments of relationship and connection should not be taken for granted.

My Grandmother – 1985.

When I was cooking a large Thanksgiving meal, and told my Mom to tell my Grandmother I would call her back – and I did not – then a couple of days later, got the call from my Aunt that my grandmother had passed away – I was wracked with guilt forevermore that I did not get to have that conversation with her or see her again.  But when is that last conversation?  You don’t know.

 

 

My Dad – 2000.

When my Dad always said to me, “You should come up and see us more.”, I knew later that he knew that his time was coming.  His health problems imposed that his “use-by date” would be within a predetermined time frame.  We, unfortunately, took it for granted that since he was not in a hospital or bed-ridden, he was still around, so would be around.  No, that is not how it was.

As he became critically ill, having one event that put him into the hospital – he thereafter then went in and out of comatose states.  Being on a ventilator, he was less able to communicate with us, but at least was able to get out final messages to those of us – those he felt were most critical.  He held on for a long time, but was eventually overtaken by his failing organs and their inability to keep him alive.

We could not be with him when he passed away due to visiting hours limitations, and the staff at that facility were apparently amenable to calling us in the middle of the night when they felt he was near death.  I regret to this day that this was the situation.  The “American Way” we treat people is by and large deplorable.  He was on a ventilator, therefore we could never bring him home to pass away on his own terms, in peace and dignity.

 

Rob – 2005.

The day I drove back to trade shifts with Rob’s dad, to do laundry, and to go out to give celebration for Will’s birthday, which he well deserved, I did not know that he would be gone within 48 hours.  I did not understand when I left that evening, when he said to me “Mom, I want you to be with me when I die…”, that he knew.  This has haunted me ever since.  He knew.  He was trying to tell me what was impending.  He was so smart, and so analytical, and intuitive – he knew.  His brain function never diminished.  I also believe that he had one foot in this life and one foot in the next.

I was spared watching the cataclysmic events as he reached his “event horizon”.  But, I was not spared of the graceful departure that a handful of us witnessed – this will be with me for the rest of my days.

After getting the call from Rob’s dad, that he had gone into cardiac arrest, but had been resuscitated, but was still unconscious, I drove like a mad woman as fast as I could to get down to the hospital to be by his bedside, hoping that I would have an opportunity to speak with my son again.  We learned that he was in a state where blood chemistry indicated that he might never wake-up or survive off of life support, and if he remained there, there was not enough left to sustain him beyond being in a vegetative state on life support.

As Rob had many times expressed outrage over Terry Schaivo’s being left on life support by her parents, beyond the advice of everyone, to the degree that it had reached the lawsuits and Supreme Court, I did not dare entertain that he would approve of being in that state.

Shocked, saddened, gutted – we knew that we had to make the hardest and worst decision of our lives.  I knew that I would forever be saying to myself, “What if?”

But, I prayed that God was guiding me to do what was best for Rob’s soul and state of being.  The humans had been trying for over 17 years to keep him alive and well, and the humans had failed miserably.  God took over.  I could rest with that.  I think that everyone understood this.

My Aunt – 2007.

In October of 2006, after spending time with my Aunt and Cousin at what would have been my Dad’s 66th high school reunion, I learned that my Aunt had some issues that later within a few months became diagnosed as terminal.  She was always such a great role model and friend, having lived her life differently, and of her own choosing – we had celebrated with her, her 80th, two years prior, in a surprise trip that her grandchildren and children designed for commemorating a life well lived of a person well loved. 

In the following spring, we got the call that it was time to come out to her and spend some time with her, as she was in serious decline.  We did and for this I was glad.  We were called again to come see her in her last days.  Again, I was extremely grateful to my family for recognizing that this was essential.  Many of us who were there for her 80th were there for this time, as well.  The lesson is that she was recognized and well-loved and priority was made that she would know this before she passed away.

The sad part is that two of her sons did not show up.  One had been estranged years earlier, separated from the family, and lost for a period, never to return.  Heartbreaking to my Aunt and Uncle.  The other, for whatever reason did not return before her death.  We have only to wonder why.  The lesson here is that there are still some people who do not understand that this is a part of life that modern life has removed – and it should be observed and restored – that being with those who are preparing to depart to exchange the love and any forgiveness ahead of the journey.

Sadie – 2008.

In September of 2008, on September 17th, after we returned to our home that had been severely damaged by Hurricane Ike, we went to the veterinary clinic where our beloved dog, Sadie, had been kenneled to endure through the storm, in the state of fragility and illness that she was having, in the months leading up to this date.  The doctor called us and let us know that she had turned critical, and that we should come.  We did, and we faced letting her go.

She was unable to eat, not able to move, and clearly, looking up at us with those big brown eyes, saying, “let me go”.  It was hard, holding her, hugging on her, and feeling her last breath as her life left her body and she passed over the Rainbow Bridge.  Again, gutted, we went home and sobbed our eyes out.  A broken house, losing a dog, and within the next three days, a third anniversary of Rob’s death.  It seemed all too much.  With the strength that we had, we moved through the time, and processed it as best as we could.

Geoff – 2009.

Geoff was my “uncle-in-law” from New Zealand.  A vibrant star – kind, committed, and a wonderful person, loved by so many – he was suddenly taken ill, at an early age, and never was able to come back from a state of unconsciousness.  It was devastating and shocking to the family and with every year that passes, he is missed by all.  We went to say farewell as we left to return from our trip there, which had been a joyous blessing full of celebration, at which he had danced and celebrated well into the wee hours.  This illustrates how suddenly and unexpectedly this happens to us.  The lesson is to live every day to the fullest.  He did that.

Mom – 2010.

Two years later, my Mom, in apparent decline, was diagnosed with terminal illness.  Due to her mental state, and her desires, the difficult treatment option was declined as it would have not been tenable, nor would it have extended her life in any way but one being in pain and difficult.  We chose hospice.

I spent each day, at least once a day, being with my Mom, as long and as much as she could tolerate.  Some days, she was exhausted and fell asleep right before me.  Some days, she had the energy to visit with family and friends.

She became less aware, and we knew she was preparing for departure.

When she left, it was in the best of all possible ways – with our minister at her side, saying last rites, with us holding her hand as she passed into the next place and life.  As my Dad had said to me, “Take care of your mother.” in his last words – I made sure that I did my best to have her in a place where she could live her last days in dignity.

Love is the Lesson.

We are humans with our imperfect understanding and our time-limited “shells” in which we live in our human suits that equip us to breathe and supply energy by fuel consumption through an elegant and complex system that we continue to try to understand every day.  Other inhabitants on our planet exist in much the same way, but with different paradigms and in different modes.

We have love that connects us.  Some of the other inhabitants with whom we have some levels of connection seem to love us back.  I am convinced that we do build solid relationships with humans and some selection of animals that indicate that this capability is part of the DNA of “earth beings”.  Some have less of it.  Emotions, whether chemical or not, charge us and drive us in our daily lives.  They are unmistakably the primary driver, like it or not.  Love is the positive, apathy is the anti-love, and hate is the emotional response when love has gone off the radar and dysfunction ensues.

Every day we are reminded that this is a dynamic existence – that love, life, happiness, disaster, and demise are components of this.  Should our core cease to exist – personally, or planetary, the result is the same – our souls or our energy mass goes elsewhere.

Physics enters the picture, but does not explain everything.  Faith is in the mix.  We give it all to God – and survey says that most people do have a God that is their higher power that they trust because it is all too much for humans to manage everything – this is apparent, and this is what we have learned, and what we know.

Each year, the love that I have for all that are dear to me grows larger.  I change.  I am dynamic.  I age.  I know that I will have my event horizon at some point.  Sands through the hour glass.  Do the math.

Love now before it is too late.  In the words of Bruce Cockburn, the song-writer and poet who has been through many ups and downs:  “Life Short, Call Now”

That album title says it all.

Don’t be too busy to call.  Don’t put people off.  They might not be there later, when you finally remember to call – or you might just get that call, but not from them. 

It happens.

We did right by my Mom.  Daily, sometimes twice daily, I would spend time with her, until she was exhausted and had to rest.  In the days ahead of her passing, it was painful to watch – anxiety racked me, and with my experience, I knew that the inevitable was coming soon.  When in her last hours, and as she passed, she had the most optimal of situations – with a last rites by our minister from our church, and three of us holding her hand and praying as she left.

She had a send-off that was as ideal within our beliefs, yet every send off is as it should be in the eyes of God.

This is hard for us humans to grasp.  That time is not held for those last conversations, for good-byes, or other reasons to hold-off.  We understand this very well by now.

This dealing with departure, is difficult, and is painful for those who survive no matter how you slice it.  My perspective is that we need to live each day knowing that it is not our decision as to when we go.  We may or may not have lead-time.  It is hard not to live, waiting for the inevitable to happen.  Churches are full of people who are trying to cope with this by being with others and hearing either comforting words or words of warning, whichever seems to help them the most.

For me, I go through this period of time each year, working through the loss lessons, learning a little more, each year.